It’s not you.
It’s me.
I promise, it’s me. Please don’t hold my baby. Please don’t hold her for more than five minutes. I’m telling you that my hormones can’t take it.
Sometimes even five minutes is too long. And strangely, Chase doesn’t count. For some reason, he’s exempt from my massive maternal hormonal imbalance.
It’s a feeling I can’t explain. When Scarlett was only two weeks old, we went to an afternoon party, where of course, everyone wanted to look at and hold her; she was so new and small. Not wanting to rain on everyone’s parade, I tentatively gave her up to partygoers, hoping they would ooh, ahh and then hand her back, especially because she was so new.
But they didn’t.
Two hours went by and I hadn’t been so much as a couch cushion close to her (I actually timed it…). It was going against my instinct to let her be passed from family member to friend and back again. “We’ll give you a break,” they said smiling. But Nope. I didn’t want a break. I crazily wanted my baby back. I was antsy, sweaty and cranky. I praised the teenage Jesus and all the Greek gods when it was time for her to eat, when (I felt as if ) I snatched her back and retreated away. It was the longest since she’d been born that I had not laid hands on her. And it was too much.
Now that Scarlett is two months old, it’s a little easier to hand her off to new admirers, but I still find myself hovering over them (not that they are doing anything wrong), waiting for my turn to get her back. Of course, I trust my husband to care for her if I ran to pick up Red from school, had an event to attend or was dying for a nap. But the instant she cries, or shows discomfort, I want to rescue her. I want to make her feel better (Daddy can, too, but it’s a weird Mama thing). Chase even noticed, after he offered a mother’s helper so I could take a nap or get my nails done, that even if I could have someone help with Scarlett, I wouldn’t want it. At least not yet.
If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you may have seen that Scarlett has a very upset period of the day around 7pm. She’s tired, hungry, and sometimes downright inconsolable. And while I do my very best to quell her cries and make her comfortable, I don’t want anyone but Chase to rescue me from that hour. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, I’m still fairly sleep deprived (which, bless my husband, causes me to be very cranky in the mornings), and this too shall pass, but don’t take my infant away from me.
My crazy-pants brain wants to say, don’t snatch her carrier away thinking you’re giving me a break. Don’t roll the bassinet out of my room and into your own. Don’t try to sit with my baby for an hour even though I’ve only met you a few times. I’m not even eager to go out to dinner away from her, even though it means I get to spend MUCH NEEDED time with my glorious husband. The last time I went out without her was just to the grocery store for a few items and then to pick up Red. I found myself having serious anxiety in a grocery store I’d been to a hundred times because I couldn’t find the cornbread and all I could think about was my babies.
My own mother told me that when I was an infant, she couldn’t bear to let anyone else push the pram or stroller. She didn’t want anyone else to do anything for me, so I guess you could say my condition is genetic. 🙂 But I do know better. You will be fine holding her. Nothing will happen. I will not disintegrate. As far as I can figure, it’s a breastfeeding thing. Extra hormones because we’re still nursing, maybe? I don’t have a good explanation except that to tell you this is how I feel, and I need you to wait a while. I’m sure it will get better, and I’ll loosen up my grip, but for now I’m in a holding pattern.
How did you feel with your babies? Did you ever feel this way, or were you more open to letting others care for your baby at a young age?
It’s hard letting other people near your baby. I think it’s just a mom thing.
This is definitely me right now and I’m Chi g such a hard time because relatives interpret it differently.
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s an undescribable feeling, especially when it’s a second or more child. You’re not reacting the same, and it’s hard to explain WHY. I hope that you find some strength to say HOW you’re feeling and that those around you understand. <3
Nope, I was the same way. My sister told my mother I wouldn’t let anyone near my baby. I’m still pretty protective of them. After all, it’s our job to take care of them..
Oh gosh, I remember those days. I played it super cool but inside I was screaming, “Give me back my baby! AAAHHH!”
It’s a totally natural reaction. When my son was a baby, I hated giving him to anyone to hold. I didn’t have reservations about my husband holding him, but with anyone else, I counted the seconds.
Funny because when my boys were babies, I was totally happy letting someone else hold them. Whenever they wanted 🙂
My son was just like your Scarlett and I felt the same way. I hated to let anyone hold him but me!
I always felt happy to have people hold the baby, and I love to hold babies. The only time I don’t is when I am not feeling good, because I would never want to make anyone sick. I would break down and cry, even today, if someone refused to let me hold the latest addition to the family. It’s interesting to hear your take, as it’ll be a lesser blow if a mom clutches the baby tight and refuses to share.
Oh I wa sso much that way with my first. By the time the twins came along, I had learned to let go a little bit.
I completely get it. When I was pregnant, I wouldn’t tell people the name of my baby. I didn’t want them to call her by name. She was mine, and mine alone. Using her name gave them a sense of closeness to her that my hormones could not handle.
I was so the same way with ALL 6 of my babies. People didn’t get it at all, but that is ok. I also hated when people touched my pregnant belly (cringe!)
For my first two, I barely had much to do with them during their baby years because I was TERRIFIED of the baby stage. Then my daughter, who I knew would be my last child, I was the only one who took care of her. I felt the same way! To the point that my husband and her barely had any time together, and now we’re paying the price for it now. She’s almost four and I’m just now getting to the point that I let her leave me for extended periods of time. I still don’t like her gone long at all. (Of course, I don’t like to be away from my kids long at all.)
Great post and it’s nice to know I wasn’t alone with my crazy possessive hormonal issue.
I couldn’t stand the ‘grab the baby’ thing. Babies are people too! How weird for them. I completely understand how everyone loves a baby but they need to think about the baby and mother, not their desire for a cuddle. That totally would have freaked me out, especially at 2 months. I never took mine in public until after 3 months old.
I know the feeling with the first one. It was like he was away and I needed him back in my arms!
I can totally relate to this! I’m still this way with baby 3!
I get it. They’re so sweet and so small and they need you so much. We end up needing them just as much. 🙂
This was such a good read. We don’t have kids but are hoping to have some soon and reading this is great. It is a narrative not often shared and definitely will help other moms who feel this way get some validation that they are not alone in their feelings.
I was only like that with my first. It was easier to hand off my others, though two hours would definitely have my anxious, no matter which child it was!
Some of my friends went through this. Other were happy for the break. Kiddo came into my life when she was 3, so I missed all of the baby stuff.
Thais sounds like the proper protective instincts to me. Two hours of her being passed around is a bit much.
I agree. Especially with my daughter. I think it’s partly knowing now how fast it all goes. I even don’t mind so much that she’s still up during the night because I enjoy cuddling & nursing her then. I know it will eventually end. They get bigger and grow up. I still cuddle my son as often as he’ll let, but, being 6, that’s less and less. I even get a bit of relief when he’s back home at the end of the day. I love spending time with my children. Taking them away is not a help to me at all. Now if anyone wants to take my chores away so I can have more fun time with my kids … 🙂
It’s not genetic, it’s female. 😉 Moms everywhere are nodding their heads yes.
I’m a mama bear with all 4 of my babies. I cut off from the world after birth and let no one hold them for a long time….weeks.. It’s a very strong instinct that we as women need to honor about ourselves. The world tells us otherwise but these are instincts given to us by God. Anyone who doesn’t respect this nature in us as mothers can take a hike off a cliff….that includes grandparents aunts friends….women without boundaries tend to gravitate towards women and their babies…make waves and don’t play fair or nice. Childbirth is the heart of my life and I respect my inner mama grizzly when I feel my claws starting to twitch. People around me would act crazy wanting to all of a sudden be in my house and stop by to hold baby…. the nerve to even ask before 6 weeks is completely nuts