Family has always been important to me. When I was growing up, my mom, dad, brother and I moved a lot, so our small nuclear unit was always close-knit. We visited extended family for a week or so at a time for summer vacations, called each other often, and always placed value on sending cards, care packages and making each other feel loved. (We still do the same!!) I know my grandparents well, and have relationships with second cousins, great grandparents, and my aunts and uncles.
Friends and acquaintances can see the value I place on my family, too. At one point, (during quite a spat) an ex-boyfriend claimed that I had a “committee” consisting of Mom, Dad, Nana, and my best friend Kristin, for which I turned to everyday for advice. I realized in the moment that it wasn’t untrue, and his intonation of disgust and independence made me even more fiercely defensive of my family members than I already was. And the “committee” was really happy to have a name… 🙂
Of course I include those born into my circle part of my family, but those that are not biologically part of me are still part of my family. For instance, my Mom met one of her best friends over 28 years ago in a newcomer’s club, and instantly were close. Though our family continued to move around, they are still a close-knit part of my family definition. Other family friends welcomed us into their home every year for Hanukkah, where we feasted on our “hunk of meat” and celebrated the winter festivities. I have plenty of non-biological grandparents that are so close to me my heart could burst for the love. Just as if I had been born to them, they have made such an impression on me, and done so much for me and my family that I could never leave them out.
So this brings me to my point – my family means a lot to me. But apparently, not everyone feels the same. The very week we brought home Scarlett, I heard a heartbreaking story about family. A lady, with a grown son (who also has a wife and 2 children), went on vacation with her husband, son, grandchildren and daughter-in-law. They trekked across the U.S. to an exciting family destination, spending nearly two weeks having fun, seeing the sights and enjoying a break. But when this lady asked to visit a special place and show her grandchildren what it meant to her, she was met with a harsh no. Because it wasn’t for the son. It wasn’t important to him, so he put the kibosh on it. When she asked again, nicely (and having treated everyone on the trip with love and respect), and delved further into the conversation, one of the remarks that came back to her was, Because you’re not a part of my family. My family is me, my wife and my kids. You’re not a part of that.
I could hardly believe it. What kind of person says that to their mother? She did everything she could for you, including giving you life, doing her best and raising you to the best of her ability? My heart aches for her, because no one deserves that. My hormone-filled new mother heart wept at the mere mention of the story, and with my own large family in town to celebrate Scarlett, it all was a little closer to home. Even Chase sensed how I was feeling about it. It’s like my very own cousin, Shakespeare (yup… totally related through shared grandparents!), wrote, “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!”
Now, I may only have one sibling and four cousins, but my family is a large one. I include my adopted aunts and uncles, grandparents, best friends and their loved ones. My definition of the word is expansive, because it’s more than just those that were born into it. Family units don’t need to have the same religion, the same skin tone, or even the same genes. Two mothers that adopt their beautiful girls from Russia don’t love their children any less than I love mine. But how do you tell someone they’re not a part of your family? How did their relationship change so much?
How do you define your family?
*A note of thanks to my committee member who helped inspire me to write this post and for all the love they have shown me. You are a part of my family <3 *
A family is people who you love and who love you back– unconditionally. My heart would break if my kiddos said that to me. Into a thousand, million pieces!
I agree! I can’t imagine saying that to my own mother. That mom did NOT deserve that.
That is so sad to hear. It’s crazy to say something like that to your mother. My family includes the people that share my blood, but also the people I’ve chosen to ride this crazy life with me.
Family is both biological and not. I don’t know my biological father, so I don’t think I would ever be able to consider him and his wife, children, grandchildren as my family. Family is there, they love each other, they support and comfort.
Wow! That is the most disrespectful thing I have heard in a while. I even have what we call “spare kids” who grew up along side our children and they would always go along to places I wanted to visit on trips.
I really find that sort of attitude towards family disgusting. Family is the people who matter to you and who support you. I’m so glad you’ve got the right idea!
I come from the south, so when I hear about people who have such a limited notion of family, it’s really sad for me. I have so many family members who aren’t biologically related to me.
My “family” is quite large and extended. We know “cousins” who are so far away related that we can’t even say if they are 6th or 10th cousin but we know we are related. I still think just because you are related you still have to be nice and respectful. I have BIL who is sooo rude and disrespectful to us and me that i really don’t consider him family.
I define family as people who love and support each other unconditionally. This does not mean they have to be related by blood.
That is horrible to treat a family member that way, My family is large and I would never exclude anyone from doing something important to them.
When it comes to family, I don’t think the person has to be blood. I also think that someone that is blood doesn’t have to be “family” either. I think family are the people you can trust, rely on, and would do anything for you and you the same. They are the people that love you unconditionally- through the pretty and the ugly.
What a horrible thing to say to someone especially to your own mom. To me family is someone that you love unconditionally and they feel the same towards you.
There are a lot of people I could consider part of my family. I’d never use the words, “not a part of my family” as a way to exclude someone!
What an ungrateful son! We are planning a family trip with ALL of my husband’s family next summer and I would never consider any of them NOT to be part of my family. I have non blood people that I consider family too, so like you, I have a pretty big committee going on here too!
How sad! I definitely appreciate time with just my husband and kids, but I would never turn away a family member. Like you, I’m lucky to have a large committee of people I adore.
I love a big family! The more, the merrier!
I can understand how those words would cut you deep, especially when you obviously love family as much as you do. Congrats on a beautiful healthy baby!
I think family is whoever you want them to be. Half of my biological family I don’t consider family , while my moms bff who has been in my life since day 1 is like a second mom to me and I consider her family above others. I don’t think it matters, its whoever you want it to be!
I don’t know if I would have said that but I do believe my family of four needs to have our special time together and I do pretect that.
So this son tells his mother that she’s not his family? Are you kidding me? If that were my son I would so kindly remind him who gave birth to him and then kick him in the butt. Then I would go home and change my will leaving every last penny to animal charity. What an ungrateful douche. Sorry. Stuff like this just makes me angry. So many people out there who lost a parent and would give anything to be able to travel with their parent again. How dare he not grant is mother one simple wish. I am going to bet she did an awful lot for him in life. How sad.
Oh that is just heartbreaking for the son to treat his mother like that! Family is family…yes when you get married you create your own but you dont exclude your other family members…especially your mom! Thats horrible…family shouldnt be treated like an exclusive country club or cult…it should be share with lots of love and open arms!
Awww, this is soo sad to read. We are a close knit family as well (extended included). I couldn’t imagine leaving someone out like that. Especially the mother.
We currently are having a difficult time with our oldest son. He seems to have forgotten all we’ve done for him. He recently married and we weren’t consulted about anything really. Weren’t even on the first invitations! (Paid for new ones just so we’d be known). He has pulled the wool over his in laws eyes. Maybe the truth will come out in the wash.
My family extends beyond my immediate family. I consider close friends family too!
I’m like you and come a “committee” for every decision and I consider myself lucky. I would NEVER say to my mother she isn’t my family!
Sounds exactly like both my sons! It’s heart breaking!
I am so sorry to hear that. This was the worst case I’ve heard of, so I had to write about it, with the mother’s permission, of course. I hope that you find peace in the relationship and they grow to understand all that you have done for them!
I’m so sorry to hear your story. Know that I’m sending you hugs. I urge you to find your support network that YOU DO find love with, and call them family. I hope that you find peace!
This was so great ! Thanks for sharing this!